AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
This baby is an asshole
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
