checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Randomize
