Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
