Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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