I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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