I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
