I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I need a beard to bite.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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