Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
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I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
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His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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