i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
how do flat chested girls get laid?
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
