Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize