Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
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