I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
