I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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