I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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