Cold hands, warm shart.
My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
