I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Randomize
