dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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