Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
