My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
