Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
