I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
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