she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
