I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
she told me i tasted like america
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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