Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
