How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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