She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
