I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
