we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
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Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
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If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
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