Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
whatever. as long as im no longer referred to as the girl who fucked the pledge on his big brother's couch.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
