I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
