Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You're a waste of cheezeits
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Randomize
