Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
