What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
