I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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