my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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