Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You're a waste of cheezeits
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
