There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
