I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
