Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
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