I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
