Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize