I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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