apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Randomize
