you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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