he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Randomize
