There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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