I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
