I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
