I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
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I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
i now understand why vodka
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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