remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
