So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
