We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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