Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
