it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Randomize
