And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
