Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
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Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
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