apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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