I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
