If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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